Be careful what you wish for ...

Not to long ago I saw everyone on social media post about how grateful they were about the hot shower they took, the walk in the park or the smile from a stranger. I really thought it was a bit over the top. I could not believe being grateful was something that one could consider as sane. But then as they reached day 365 of sharing their gratitude I discovered that they smiled more, complained less and were enjoying the time more than before. How is this possible? I wanted to experience this for myself. Almost as if I saw a person eat an ice cream cone and I wanted one too. I kind of started to get curious. What is it; what does it taste like? I wanted to experience this, but I was not sure how. At night I got a little book and I wrote down three or 5 things that I was happy about. Still, it felt a bit forced and fake.

How can you be grateful when pissed off or grumpy. I just kept going and going with the book. I connected with others doing the same thing. Still, I did not feel any different then before. I felt quite neutral about being grateful. Then I fell on the street. I missed a step and landed on a piece of broken pavement. I landed on my back in front of a car and the car stopped. A herd of people looked and two of them seemed considered enough to stop. I was very grateful for these two: to be showing their concern so i smiled. I quickly decided to zoom in on the strongest of the two and asked for help to get up. "I do not think I can get up by myself" the more patient of the two I asked "can you guide met to that chair nearby: at that cafe."

Two soccer players and musicians were sitting next to me saying that I have adrenaline now and I can keep going, but as soon the swelling starts kicking in. They told me if I want to make it home: to keep on moving. They even invited me to their concert in Paradiso, but they assumed I would not make it. I declined their offer and agreed that I should take it easy.

Upset about not being able to trow a dinner party for my friends. My friends came anyway but with their kids and enough pizza to feed me. I was super grateful for getting food brought to me and the kids were entertained as they watched my foot go from yellow to blue to green in just a few minutes. Seeing the curiosity in those eyes and their compassion again was something to be grateful for.  Learning to walk again and move was a free course in gratitude! Now with each step, I feel like I just won a marathon. And the strange thing is I am even grateful for breaking my leg and all the things I learned from it?!

Now it so happened that for an online course I wished for more biodiversity in my street and in my life, I did not expect slugs to find a way to the 5th floor of an apartment building in the city of Amsterdam.  I kind of wanted pets but when I wished for biodiversity I was thinking more of trees and plants, slugs in my studio apartment was not something I had in mind when I made the wish...  But then again they always say "becareful what you wish for" because sometimes wishes might come true.

"America first, the Netherlands second"

Why does the rest of Europe call the Netherlands the USA of Europe. It is not because people have guns, readily available. I was not able to understand why, until I had a friend visit me for a day. A fellow European exploring the city of Amsterdam. What is not to like, I thought? I warned her that the Dutch are pretty direct and if you ask a question in a store for purchasing an item that the typical response in Amsterdam towards customers is "look for yourself if you do not see it we do not have it." I even explained to her that this would not even be considered rude. Language like this is completely culturally acceptable. But despite my warnings, I found her not too cheerful at the edge of the couch, later that day.

When I asked her what was wrong I would hear things like "the Netherlands does not like" me or things like "I am not welcome in Amsterdam." I expected something major to have happened. A fight something like an accident and when I kept asking for more explanations I discovered that the reason why she was very and I must say very upset, was only a simple thing. She felt she was denied a basic human right. When you walk around as a man in this city you can pee absolutely everywhere. You can pee on almost every street corner. The city of Amsterdam loves men and makes sure they get to pee wherever and whenever they want.

For women it is a different story. Instead of creating a place where both men and women can pee, the city thought it wise to create: men can pee only places. In turkey, egypt and other countries where woman can more easily find places, I have seen free public toilets there. These designs where holes in the ground or other designs that both men and women can use.  I am sure the designers in the Netherlands are perfectly capable of designing places to pee for both men and women, and if not hire them from other European countries. If they do not want to pay for it, then perhaps consider to open a competition where the reward a week visit to this city.

The more I looked into it, the more premeditative this whole peeing business started to look. I know it almost could have seemed like an accident. It could have looked like they just forgot about the female person and their basic human rights. Yet, the city has gone out of its way to ensure that the local businesses - like the stores on the Leidsestraat and all the other shopping streets -  that they cannot let their customers use their restroom. And, well if they do; they could even get a fine. I went on a walk through town to ask people where I could use the restroom, and many businesses apologized that they were not allowed to have me use it.

The more I looked into it, the more the city seemed to look like a big ubiquitous bully out to make the tourists without a willy feel absolutely unwelcome. I found one pop up toilet, for woman and people on wheelchairs. Then I realized that the women are allowed to pee; the only difference is they have to pay for it. Which again does not make the city look much better. From a marketing perspective it sends out a signal. Men welcome, women we will milk you (your wallets that is). "Grab them by their pussy" is literally what the city has done, and hopeful won't continue to do…

After a day near a toilet we changed the conversation to how hard it is to get access to a gynecologist in the Netherlands. My friend was from - lets put it mildly - a more female friendly country in Europe.

Purpose

Do you have a purpose? I purposefully came here of course; to get a job. But I have not prepared my Oscar speech, like all the other students in my acting class. Every one says you need to manifest and feel that want you want is here. But I am here and I kind of like being here. Very excited and getting here was also amazing. On the way here, I met this lady at the bus stop and she happens to be homeless, but she is an amazing poet. She told me how she is living off the grid and has hardly any carbon footprint. You don't just meet people like that when you take the car. It is soooo inspiring to see all there different people get up in the morning and have a purpose.

It actually made me realize that - beside coming here and meeting you - that, I do not really have a purpose. I actually had to look up the definition in the OED. You know what I mean right. The Oxford English Dictionary. The best things out there are not free; not even the dictionaries. Although, when I read Chaucer I stumbled across a word I did not find in the OED. I mean I found later versions, but the earliest version that the OED registered was a couple of centuries later. I wrote a letter to them pointing them to this great missing piece of information and they thanked me.

Do you think I need a purpose in life? The way I look at everyone else, is that everyone else wants things and wants to get somewhere and do something. I kind of just do it. You know I feel it and it reaches deep deep into my core. And then I feel feel it so deeply that I just breathe it all in. My surroundings, life, the feelings I have blended in with everything around. I just do things. I also think about doing things on occasion but that is only when I am hungry or not doing anything, because if you do not do anything. Then the thinking starts, but maybe thinking about doing things could that be a purpose? Once you think long about it and hard enough and then you chose one of the thoughts. Of doing and thinking about it and hold on to that thought as long as possible. That could be a purpose, right?

Just thinking about taking action? Or thinking about having a purpose, a reason to wake up each morning. There is courage in living, in getting up each day. At least a famous stoic once claimed.

Gravity

I have been sleeping a lot lately. Well I have been trying but I keep on waking up. Then I go back to sleep. Today the strangest thing happened to me! I woke up and I saw the ceiling. I am looking and I think oh I must still be dreaming. Because if I am looking down and I see the ceiling then it must mean that I am upside down and gravity reversed. I closed my eyes thinking about what to do. Should I leap for it and see which way I would fall. I seem fine where I am, but I do not want to risk falling off the ceiling either.

Have you ever had anything like that. I know you must. You probably do not remember it. Well imagine if it happened well then you can think wow I met one person who wanted to come in for a job and told me about this weird experience she had the night before.

So what I did was I tried to scream but there was no sound. I could not make a sound. When my mom walked in to feed the chickens I knew something was clearly wrong! I live in the city on the fifth floor and well their ain't no chickens on my balcony.

Then all hell broke loose matrix style, the floor became seething have or what I thought was the floor. I tried to stare at my hands to wake myself up but it was too interesting so I kept looking around. Then. I thought if I. Am dreaming and I am conscious then I can be anything I want do anything I want and be where I want. And that is what I did and not I am here. Here standing in front of you. Is it not just amazing. And if I have enough of being I just walk right out of that door or through the wall or make the floor disappear!

Auw! I thought I was still dreaming...

War on Wardrobe

I have three wonderful kinds and to be honest I do not know what to do. My sister in law is a non. And she is wonderful with the kids. She helps me in the summer when the day care is closed and she goes on holiday. The place she lives more of the year is amazing. If I did not have kids and an amazing job I would live there to. She is a great influence on the kids, you know. Marry Poppins mixed with I don't know. Some amazing Disney princes. She is an absolute doll. She is the only one that can handle all three at once. For me that is even to much. It has been a year now. A year since Jack left us. The kids loved him so much. But sister Lis has shared so many wonderful stories to the kids. It is almost like he is with us still. Yet I do not know what to tell her. She swims a lot. She has done triathlons and done really well. We are going to go to France, but I have not yet told her about the clothing restrictions. I have heard that you need to show a lot of skin. Basically you are not allowed to cover you hear arms and legs fully. And I do not want to put her in a position where she has to strip in front of hundreds of people.

I saw it on the news the other day. They are making woman strip in public. I am thinking about canceling my holiday. Maybe I go to Malaysia or Indonesia. Then my sister can wear what she wants and I can be in my bikini. At least there we can be free to wear what we want. Ironic we have to travel far to be free to wear what we want!

Time management

So, today I walk in. My group work and work. They want to have meetings a few times a day to get approval from their projects and to sure peer pressure to well cancel out others. Of course then they tell me what to do, as they dismiss almost every idea I have. No attention for my ideas, unless I bring the idea in such a way that they think it is theirs! Well. So now I get to do my idea that the already wanted to dismiss. Now working working working. I have spend amazing hours on this project they approved. And as I am sketching and doodling. All of a sudden they all barge into my office to all tell me that they changed their mind. They do not like the project they told me to do. Not just that; they want it changed! Yet, the funny thing is: I did not really wanted it to have it done like the way the told me to do it! Not even close. Interesting they change their mind, maybe they do not like risks. Maybe I am too creative, too far out of the safety zone. Still, they do not seem to change their mind about their projects! But whatever! Majority rules. If the majority wants me to waste my time I waste my time. So much to learn about time management

Now I let go. I kind of stepped back to let them figure it all out. I still feel some frustration. Not the frustration from myself. My frustration is that I lost out on my lunch break. I guess I am hungry. That I am kind of pissed off about. I could have spend an hour in the Suriname restaurant. That is a shame. I feel their frustration. Their frustration for wanting to control others and to avoid free flowing creativity. Assuming all is permanent they trap themselves into boxes allowing nothing new from happening. Becoming the parent that wants to protect and control. A person wanting to have meetings 3 times a day is the same as a mom wanting to know where the child is at all times. "What are you making? Why are you doing it like this? why are you holding that brush." Sometimes I wish all the world would be actors that would have successfully completed Janet Alhanti's acting class. No one would ask orstop the creative process of another and they would acknowledge each other at every step of the way at all times.

Maybe I should just quit my job and take an acting class. 

RANDOM

They say I am random. I randomly do things. I mean to say: I do not discriminate; there is no hidden agenda; no subtext. I have no reason to do anything, but to just do it. I haphazardously decide to move from one thing to the other, basically without any thought really. Which might make me a little casual, I guess. I should probably care more about things. To show a little more - I don't even know the word for it - show some sort of purpose or plan. If you don't have a plan: life happens. And if you plan, you loose spontaneity and creativity. For me when creativity is gone I seem to loose all interest. I don't know why, but there you have it.

I get so demotivated that I do not see a point to any of it. That is how I got into couch surfing. Everything on there is fast. Everyone on there loves to travel and to make connections. Of course it is cheaper than staying in a hotel. But still, even in the most expensive hotel you find insects. Especially in Van Nuys! You know the pest control people told me, the other day, the area is infested with bed bugs. they have no clue what to do about it. They warned me not to move there. They were vehement about the bedbugs as they removed a couple of black widow nest around my house. Seriously those guys look like ghost busters reincarnate!

I did not tell those guys I started dating a Buddhist; I did not know they were allowed to date. Apparently they can. I would not be allowed to kill anything. It is one of the 5 precepts. When I found out he had a partner my life took a turn. It so happened that it was quite the liberator.  Not sure how it happened but I felt liberated. Even me! I feel free. I feel like I found my inner core. I felt complete, so there was no reason for me to stick with either of them. Never takes long for me to find someone. So now it is me and Buddhism. But it matches in with my botanical endeavors.

I really like plants and how they grow on things. Make me feel like taking a course in how to make furniture, but furniture for plants. How does your pet plant like to grow. I am sure not many people out there make furniture for plants. I think it would be perfect bedbug free plant furniture. That way I can get up in the morning make my own yogurt out of soy and grow my veggies and fruit indoors. Maybe even built a earthship greenhouse. That would be magnificent, don't you think?